My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
It's my first ever "i'm sorry for my excessive drug use" hand turkey. And I think it's pretty boss.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
Why are you hurting?
Tried to drink all the beer in Nashville last night....failed.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
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