Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
