Party's warming up, a tranny just got here...
R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize
