Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I love the "adulterer" look on you. It's hot.
Its part of my fall instant classic line.
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
You made everyone who was on the patio sit on the floor and join your "ship" because you were the Captain. It was cool though. You let me be your 1st Mate.
I just passed a drug test. I want to shout that from the top of a mountain. Can we have beers on the top of a mountain?
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
Saw two pregnant women at court today and I SWEAR one of them said "we had a threesome with this random guy and he got both of us pregnant."
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Randomize
