i'm the matthew mcconaghey of this party. i'm too old, and too high.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
imagine if we didn have a dick. we would be so much more productive
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
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all I know is he gave me a Cialis and tried to take me home.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
He came in 20 minutes late for his final wearing plastic bags on his feet, and a tablecloth cape. Explain.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
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I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
You got drunk, made toast, and declared yourself a domestic goddess.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Why can't he see that I don't want a slow getting to know you period? I just want to bone. NOW.
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