i just woke up in a strange room and the first thing i saw was a chewbacca mask... wtf
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
i'm starting to get really nervous about the relationship i have with my cat
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Ur here to start shit and I'm here to light that shit on fire
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
Randomize
