Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Woke up on the stairs at my parents house. Good start to vacation.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
WHY WERE YOU COOKING NAKED?
WHY WERE YOU SLEEPING ON MY COUCH?
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
He sent me a dick pic, and it had smeared lipstick on it. So I sent him the pic of my tit with the hickey ring your brother gave me.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We kept having to tell you that you couldn't just sit wherever you wanted at Walmart. Sitting in the middle of the raw meat section was unacceptable and children were staring at you.
Alright, I've had enough of this good girl shit. Tonight you either blackout or backout.
Randomize
