He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
im too broke to be in a relationship this close to the holidays
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
It all started with a game of naked twister.
IM ON THE WEIRD DRUGS AND I JUST SAW THAT TOM HARDY THING NOW I WANT TO HUMP
I cannot believe all 4 of us had sex at the same time, in the same bed... And it didn't turn into a foursome..
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
