So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.
Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?
Holy shit r u serious? How?
Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.
I thought it couldn't get worse until she said "Nipple hair"
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.
My mom just said she had more presents to wrap, so I should "smoke some weed & go back to bed"... She really is Santa Claus
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
you were on a whole other level. you went home with him because he said "you got some light ass eyes"
Her cat was breathing in my ear all night, like that kid from Hey Arnold.
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
I need to leave my mind and my stupid vagina are having fight over who's right
Randomize
