Your tits are I can't wait for
You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
never play flip cup with pint glasses
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I can see your house from here
Get off of his fucking roof
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
