have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.
drunk me is so punny.
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina
wtf
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
Be there in a sec. We have to stop at Target to buy her underwear first.
Randomize
