Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I figured out why I insisted on leaving my sweater on the ground outside. I smelled it and I'm 97% sure I peed on it last night
Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer
She needs to go. She is like the Yoko Ono of our group.
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm serious-it was like trying to deep-throat a minivan.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
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