i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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