oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
you traded sex for a burrito?
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
I had no idea a 5'8 girl could fit entirely on her knees in front of the passenger seat of a Sunfire, but I am very happy to now have that knowledge.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
Just found bud in my hair....gotta love curls
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
well that was a fail
maybe for you, but i got a free ice cube in my bra
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
Randomize
