Sry I called you an 8
Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.
At least you didn't call me Brittany this time
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
my mom is pro-life. I dare you to fuck me.
trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
If I don't answer right away it's because I took an Adderall and the fridge needs cleaned.
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
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