I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
Who just wakes up in their own bed and assumes "I probably blew some guy last night"
I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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