I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
there's no excuse to just assume your pants won't be coming off for some reason or another. that's just irresponsible
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
When I was drunk texting him about three ways he seemed more interested in just seeing me. And that's when I knew something was wrong with him
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
Yeah, I'm pretty glad I chose you to have drunken, sloppy birthday sex with.
That's the nicest thing anyone has ever said to me
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