I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Maybe i shouldn't have told him the key to getting in my pants was double vodka sodas and Nelly's song "grillz."
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
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Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Just fat and dog and sweat all over the bed. All night long.
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
This summer has already been like the best summer ever. FREEDOM IS AWESOME. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND GOD BLESS THE SINGLE LIFE.
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Currently watching Zombie Sharks while high. This is why I love Shark Week.
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
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