There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
this just has baby written all over it
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night
Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Awkward, walking to my bootycall's hotel room and run into my dad leaving his. Just nodded to each other and went on our ways
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Are you drunk? You left me a voicemail at 5:59 AM of you making dolphin sounds.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
