I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
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Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
It's gotten to the point that the dirty talk in my head when I touch myself has your accent
That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.
THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
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You had a hot dog outside the bar then made me stop at McDonald's for a double quarter pounder. I'd say you've more than filled your drunken meat quota.
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
And you were like wow I love water shots they taste so good
What's the polite way to say "hey I don't actually want to fuck you, I just swiped right on you because you didn't like me in high school and I needed validation"
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
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