Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
seriously, i am too high for the omelet station to be playing Being For The Benefit Of Mr Kite at 7am
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I want a calm night. Not one where I wake up to you topless and bloody.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
That would make regret #10
He was more like the original regret
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize