my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
I just spent a chunk of my Christmas money on Plan B. I don't think that's what my relatives had mind when they said "spend it wisely", but hey, it was a good investment considering the bad life choices i made last night.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.
You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.
The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I'm working on finding a bottomless situation. Both pants and mimosas.
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
I consider my hand a solid 5. So if I'm dipping below a 7.5, I might as well go with old faithful.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
DO NOT LET HIM TAKE CONTROL OVER YOUR BOWELS
... and this time i WILL NOT make out with anyone dressed as batman.
Randomize
