so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
All I could think of during that funeral was how great I look in a suit, how creepy catholics are, and how horny I am.
Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I believe in using alcohol to heal from the inside. Not as a topical solution.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
The highlight of the trip was definitely my dad telling me that I "used to be his prettiest daughter."
I'm so festive that I used my jack o lantern bucket as a just in case barf bin
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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