He cooked the food on a paper plate in the oven.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
My boyfriend just asked what time I was coming over. As soon as my old BF unchains me. I think he ran away.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Fucking a younger guy is now a game of odds. The chance that he gives me corona virus is outweighed by the evening of orgasms I know he’ll give me.
Randomize
