I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.
Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries
If I don't come back from Italy with aids I did somethign wrong
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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