bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
where am i from again
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
you really need to stop getting laid in my dreams more than i do.
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
"What's your dick like homie" is not really an acceptable thing to say out loud
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
Randomize
