She looked like her face caught fire, and someone put it out with a screwdriver.
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag
its like i had a thought but i dont know what the words are for it
The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.
I need a thor helmet and I need to find my heavy duty drinking mug
By this time next year I expect us to have full time jobs that we can call out of so we can day drink on beautiful days like this. Oh, and grill.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I did not get pleasing results from googling “Bob Ross goat”
I just got a handjob in the back of an Uber while a large German dude and a Midwestern fuck-boi sang along in falsetto to the Bohemian Rhapsody.
Randomize
