My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
is it sad that i think every plant i pass on the highway looks like a plant from farmville?
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Obama's speech on in 9 mins. Me in the shower now. Naked. Make your choice.
I'm bringing the tv in with me.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I got pull-out-my-nuvaring-drunk last night.
He said my vagina smelled like pomegranates. Its like my vagina is the fountain of youth.
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