I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
She threw up in my garbage can last night and walked home with it this morning so she could clean it out...
She is dropping it off on the way to the bar at 7.
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
I'm going home because your Crackraptor step-brother tried getting his nasty meat hawks in my pants last night.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
Oh and Dustin informs me I'm a legend amongst the freshman, if you were wondering about my street cred
Welp, I'm allergic to codeine. Found that one out the hard way.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
