im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Can she stop putting up all these passive aggressive statuses and please come out of the "I-want-to-be-a-pornstar" closet already?
yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
I told her I was going to masterbate myself into a coma... We have another date on Thursday.
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
