I think I died a long time ago.
Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk
Yeah no shit. My mom is giving me winecoolers as we watch a show abt alcoholics
Definitely just saw a grown man at wal mart wearing high heels and carrying a baby
What the fuck were you doing at wal mart?
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
Update: He still has devil magic genitals.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
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