I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
It was like if the scent of sour milk and burning tires had a baby in taste form.
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