I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Since when do you wear a bracelet?
Not a bracelet. Half a pair of handcuffs
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
I didn’t want to see that boob. I told her not to show me but she said “no, I’m going to show you”
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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