He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him
First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.
Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.
Mistake of the day: loudly discussing my gay hookups on the phone at the dmv in upstate NY... this must be what leprosy feels like
i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
I stole $10 from the guy I hooked up with last night.Not sure why but it was definitely more satisfying.
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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