Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.
I know. But whatever I'll just eat cold pizza and play with my cats by candlelight
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
I have a bad feeling I'm going to like this fuck buddy
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
His dad was on the tv delivering the local 11 o' clock news while we were having sex
My left boob kept making random appearances last night.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
what the fuck happened to the tacos