I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
the arrest was probably divine intervention, cause i think we were heading to an ill-advised threesome.
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
Everyone threw up but him. I took off my shirt because I puked on it. There were also a lot of drag queens involved.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
I did a trust fall off the bar and then almost got into a knife fight over a push up competition. Just another Tuesday.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
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