I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
it still weirds me out that Robin Thicke is Alan Thicke's son
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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