Packed at 6 am completely wasted. Damage assessment: 12 pairs of socks (no underwear), a flashlight, 3 shorts, shot glass, 8 sweaters, puff paint, one sneaker.
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.
kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.
I'm out of town so we should be golden.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
More cowboy butts than you can shake a stick at, oh joy.
We were walking home from Pluckers (read carrying your drunk ass) and out of nowhere you yelled "Say bitch you got a Facebook?" at a random chick walking by.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Drunk Sam makes promises that Sober Sam can't keep
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
that is very illegal...i love you.
Randomize
