I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.
Next time he asks to wax your nipple while you're passed out I promise I'll be sober enough to intervene.
we passed out in our seats at the game for about 3innings. I guess they showed it on the big screen. nap n rally!
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
I was just the victim of a drive by judging in a horse and buggy.
The fuck? Where?
St. Mary's. Amish people. Too high for this.
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I was just thinking about if my bath water turned to jello and got a little freaked out
we had sex in his office so i figured it was appropriate to like his company's page on facebook
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
