i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
This is why I should’ve just stuck with blow jobs. I’m good at blow jobs. Blow jobs never fail me.
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