never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
im shotgunning beers in the kitchen. alone. the cat is judging me.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
I think I'm in love. He's everything I ever wanted for myself, just with a lot more drugs.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
Never let your siblings swipe right.
Randomize
