her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
Memory from last night that just came back: me forcibly jacking him off while he yelled I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS I DONT LIKE HANDJOBS
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Im about to have a threesome, Ill pay you twenty bucks to go clean my room. Just throw it all in the closet.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?
Just saw someone tackle someone else to the ground for their coors light; he's not getting back up.
Yea, now that Irene is hitting us stores aren't selling any alcohol; beer is now a precious commodity.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
Last night when we were having sex he put the condom on backwards the first time. While he was putting the second one on I blew up the first one, made it into a balloon and hit him in the head with it. I think we're over the honeymoon stage.
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