Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
He would have to make magical things happen in my nether regions to actually make me vote republican.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
Will you fuck me while I eat my burrito though? I'm kind of hungry.
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
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