if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I was rubbing the clit just like wikipedia told me to.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
part of it says your brother mayyyy have put his lips on my vagina
Dude, I danced with Abe Lincoln! How could last night have been any better???
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