omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Know what's awkward? Having a couple of moving guys watch while you detach the bondage cuffs from your bedframe, that's what.
Sincerely. Thanks. You could have thought of anyone sitting on your face but you chose me. :)
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
after we fucked i left the room and when i came back he was patting his dick whispering "prouda you lil guy...prouda you"
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
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