my phone needs a breathalizer
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
The guys who program Autocorrect have never seen a vagina in person
I would date him. For 1 month. Just so I could say I was a trap queen for 1 month.
Ex-boyfriend shit on a ping pong table at a party last night. Taking "party pooper" to a whole new level.
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
Randomize
