if you're gona send my txt to that site at least change my area code plz
i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted
I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Randomize
