Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"
I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."
I kindof just wanted to go downstairs and let his dad know how good his son was at sex
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
This conversation went from me banging other women's husbands to learning about baked goods. If that isn't personal growth I don't know what is.
I woke up with my winter coat on, next to a polaroid of me, her and a swan...so no I don't remember our conversation.
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
Randomize
