The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
come over
yeah sure
wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
I had fun this weekend too. According to Web MD, my symptoms say I had a miscarriage.
My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
I wonder what chicks would think if they learned that when we add them on fb we email their bikini pics to each other.
When I picked you up, you were drinking Maker's Mark out of the bottle with a crazy straw.
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
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