So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
Your biggest crisis right now is that you can't decide whether to keep hooking up with AN NFL PLAYER or try to rekindle your relationship with your ex. You are a walking white girl problem.
Well i would have gone to the bar but Satan decided to hold his rituals in my uterus.
My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Okay so the couple who keep propositioning people for threeways are def siblings not bf/gf
So are you gonna do it or no you said they're hot
all i know is that i woke up at 12:00 am in a shower with egg shell in my hair. i am 90% sure you are responsible.
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
