there should be a relationship option on facebook "stillllll in a relationship"
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Mac n' cheese is coming out of my nose. You can't make that feel better
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
Randomize
