I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
First of all, I don't like eggnog. Second of all too much rum is all bad. And thirdly I'm not there to sit in your lap and pretend you are Santa and I've been a bad girl.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
We just had a 30 min argument on the actual birth date of Jesus, it ended in my brother and ain't cursing each other and an 8 yr old answering it by using Siri.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
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