Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I'm hiding her cosmo magazine. the only sex tip she needs is to not handcuff her boyfriend to her roommates bed and lose the key
I swear to god, if you fuck the hot one you're paying me back for the shot I just bought her
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I think someone is dead in a car across the street
Scratch that, dude's getting a blow job
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
What! I said that you would fall in love? See I know better. Dark liquor makes me think everything is a dream. I barely remember saying that
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