Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Living right is spending a lot of time in someone's ass
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
I hurt. I blacked out in a onesie. Reevaluation needs to happen.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."
No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
Will do. If it all falls thru I'm just gonna set up a sprinkler in my back yard and run thru it while taking jello shots. Perfect alternative to my 29th bday.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Hahaha she was way into you and you kept arguing about burritos. It was amazing.
If he doesn't get here soon I'm taking off my thong and eating his dinner.
I had sex with a boy who lives in a closet, that's like having sex with Harry Potter, right?
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
